CQD CQD

Hello ...

Is there anyone out there?

(Quiet ... don't peek through the blinds ... do you want it to see us?)

It's been ages since we've been able to transmit and I don't know when I'll be able to get online again. There's just a couple of us holed up in the Dog and Digitiser ... but the beer's running out and we've only one bag of poppadoms between us now.

That thing ...

That great big thing out there ...

I don't know what it'll do if it finds us. It's horrib

Anniversary

It has been noted that it is exactly a year since the object first appeared. There has been no action from it for several months but various academics have suggested that it would still be appropriate to hold another symposium at the Dog and Digitiser to discuss it.

Some possible subjects for papers have already come in:

• Inaction is the new action
• Get that bastard off your lawn: a new approach to neighbourliness
• Black at all wavelengths: where does all the energy go?
• The cumulative effect of large objects on the local environment

The deadline for papers has been set for the end of the months and, as usual, abstracts and attached CVs should be placed in a box on the bar. No fees will be paid for speakers.

Relativity

A porthole appeared in the side of the object, which seemed to show a view of the inside of a high-technology laboratory.

Subsequent investigations revealed that the lab being seen was in Italy, and was conducting experiments to determine whether neutrinos passing through the earth from Cern, over 700 km away, were really travelling faster than light and so breaking the principles of relativity.

What confused researchers, and caused much discussion at the Dog and Digitiser, was that the view through the porthole was taking place exactly one second in the future. There was also a poster on the far wall of the lab seen through the porthole, which was not in the real lab, and which showed a photograph of an elderly tousled-haired man sticking his tongue out at the camera ... and which looked strangely familiar.

Changes

The object has been behaving strangely ... even more so than usual ... during the past weeks. An opening appeared on one side, like a shop front, and for a few days at a time it appeared to behave like different kinds of public building. Over time it has been a restaurant, a bar, a book shop and an advice centre.

People were understandably wary of entering the 'buildings' at first but, apart from the lack of any staff, the stores functioned in the appropriate manner. Those adventurous enough to go in were able to 'buy' a meal or a drink or a book ... or get advice ... but did not have to pay for anything. The premises were fully automated and anything 'bought' simply materialised on the counter in a manner reminiscent of a Star Trek replicator.

Some observers in the Dog and Digitiser were suspicious and the most likely theory advanced was that the object was in some way finding out about people's taste and problems. Whether this was for altruistic reasons remains a mystery. However, several book publishers reported receiving quantities of used banknotes in brown envelopes labelled 'ROYALTIES' with statements listing the books sold by the object.

The object has now closed down its retail operations and, once more, is a featureless block.

Rain

It has rained almost continuously for five days. This is of no concern to the object because, as with the proverbial duck, water just runs off. In fact, the object is seen to be not only impervious to water, but also does not get wet. Water in no way clings to the surfaces of the object and tends to form drops which rapidly move towards the ground.

The local council, however, are most concerned about this and say that it is the object's responsibility to disperse such rainwater as falls upon it, ideally into soakaways or, failing that, into appropriate drainage for which a charge should be levied.

None of this seems to bother the object, whose latest party-piece is to behave like a large block of water such that when prodded, waves can be seen to radiate away from the point that is so attacked. It is most un-nerving to see this happening on a vertical surface.

Riot

The object has been troubled by rioters. The police say it did nothing to discourage potential looters since it occasionally took on the guise of a department store while resolutely resisting any attempt at breaking in. Any bricks or bottles thrown at it were returned along the reverse trajectory to the thrower; but later inspection revealed that the missiles had somehow been turned into soft foam replicas of themselves.

After an hour or so of fruitless mayhem the object suddenly gave off a bright burst of light and everyone in the vicinity stopped what they were doing, looked puzzled and then walked off, commenting that they were late for their dinner, or the dentist or some other imagined appointment.

Within a few minutes the area was deserted and quiet again with just foam bottles and bricks lying on the ground to testify to the incident.

Agents

A number of real estate agents have been seen wandering around the object. When challenged one said that she had been summoned by a note pushed under the office door which asked her to value an 'unusual bijoux riverside property' for sale or rental.

After a while, and some heated discussions, it appeared that each of the agents was seeing a different property, and none were actually seeing the large jet-black block that was actually there. One saw 'a delightful three bedroom cottage boasting period features', another described 'a modern system-built four bedroomed property in the manner of Frank Lloyd Wright' and a third simply said 'I'm not touching this wreck unless they patch the roof and shore up that crumbling wall'.