Hack

The object appears to have been eavesdropping on phone conversations and text messages in the vicinity. This first became apparent when the content of text messages appeared written across the surface of the object. Also, occasionally, the object could be heard ringing or playing ring tones in synchronism with passers-by ... much to their annoyance.

The fact that not one of the messages made any sense to anyone other than the writer and addressee did little to dampen the outrage at this unwanted interception.

Festival

It can now be revealed that the object has been visiting the Glastonbury Festival over the past few days. Whether it was amongst the crowd, hiding atop the tor, or masquerading as one of the stages is unclear but there have been reports that the object was seen by several of the festival-goers.

Since there is no Glastonbury Festival next year, negotiations are rumoured to be underway on the possibility of holding a festival on the top of the object next June but there is some concern about the effects of altitude sickness for participants, given the object's size.

Philosophy

A visiting bishop (perhaps from Berkeley) observed that its size is not an attribute of the object itself because the size of the object depends on how far away it is. Thus the object appears to be a different size to different observers. He also rejects its shape for similar reasons, and even its blackness. So how can we say that the object consists of anything more than the qualities we observe?

Trees fell in otherwise empty forests ... in the bar of the Dog and Digitiser a single hand clapped ... and in a dilapidated caravan in a nearby field, two priests were seen arguing over the size of a cow.

Black

The object seems not only to look black; it is black at all wavelengths.

Mobile telephone companies were investigating complaints of a hole in coverage near to the object and it became apparent that it was blocking signals. No signals were detected if the object was between the cellphone and the tower. Further investigations revealed that this also applied to television signals and any other radio wavelengths not long enough to be refracted around it.

The strangest result was from thermal imaging. The object appears black when viewed through a thermal camera, which would normally mean that it is extremely cold. However, those brave enough to touch the object have said that it feels to have no temperature at all: neither warm nor cool to the touch.

No radiation of any kind or any wavelength has so far been detected coming from the object.

A passing engineer pointed out that a totally black object is absorbing radiation and must be storing it somewhere. "If it is heating up inside", she said "it is keeping it well hidden."

Charges

The local council is attempting to levy local taxes on the object. "It is in the borough so why should it not be subject to a levy like all other buildings" they say. "Au contraire" say others. "It is clearly not a building as there is no entrance or exit and no occupants."

"In which case" suggest the council "it is a vehicle and should be charged for parking."

The latest edition of the postal services database revealed that the object had been given a postal code but this was in anticipation of the arrival of fan mail. For the time being, such fan mail as did arrive was being kept in a small wooden box in a closet at the sorting office.

Bailiffs who attempted to gain entry to the object in order to collect on the allegedly owed charges were confounded by the fleeting appearance of a number of doorways in the object's exterior. However these doorways disappeared whenever anyone got within a few feet of them, accompanied by a slight popping sound.

Injunction

Lord Justice Cocklecarrot, sitting in the high court, has today heard an application for injunctive protection from a party identified only as BDO in respect of a possible relationship with an person or persons identified only as RBD and requesting total privacy.

Numerous commentators have noted that it seems odd that a request for privacy from what is well known as (but can not be reported to be) a very large black block residing in a local park should even be considered by the courts. It also became apparent that the plaintif's lawyer was being briefed by means of short notes pushed under the front door of her office.

His lordship finally ruled that he would not allow the injunction but he would ban any mention of this fact by any means other than online gossip.

Neighbours

The neighbours have been complaining about the object.

"I can see it from my kitchen window" says Mrs X "and it's just a big dumb eyesore."

Mr Y, who hangs out regularly around the back of the object points out that "apart from occasional noises and the odd trick to amuse the television crews the object isn't making a positive contribution to the neighbourhood" and wonders how long it will take the local planning department to act. "It lowers the tone" he said.

The planners, meanwhile, are biding their time. A source reports that more research needs to be done on the impact of big objects in the environment and council leaders are contemplating fact-finding missions to Cairo, New York, Ayers Rock and Machu Picchu.

There have been reports that the object has occasionally affixed what looks like an electronic facsimile of a yellow planning notice to its side. This contains blurred illegible text with the large word APPROVED stamped diagonally across.