Monday, 30 May 2011


The local council is attempting to levy local taxes on the object. "It is in the borough so why should it not be subject to a levy like all other buildings" they say. "Au contraire" say others. "It is clearly not a building as there is no entrance or exit and no occupants."

"In which case" suggest the council "it is a vehicle and should be charged for parking."

The latest edition of the postal services database revealed that the object had been given a postal code but this was in anticipation of the arrival of fan mail. For the time being, such fan mail as did arrive was being kept in a small wooden box in a closet at the sorting office.

Bailiffs who attempted to gain entry to the object in order to collect on the allegedly owed charges were confounded by the fleeting appearance of a number of doorways in the object's exterior. However these doorways disappeared whenever anyone got within a few feet of them, accompanied by a slight popping sound.

Saturday, 21 May 2011


Lord Justice Cocklecarrot, sitting in the high court, has today heard an application for injunctive protection from a party identified only as BDO in respect of a possible relationship with an person or persons identified only as RBD and requesting total privacy.

Numerous commentators have noted that it seems odd that a request for privacy from what is well known as (but can not be reported to be) a very large black block residing in a local park should even be considered by the courts. It also became apparent that the plaintif's lawyer was being briefed by means of short notes pushed under the front door of her office.

His lordship finally ruled that he would not allow the injunction but he would ban any mention of this fact by any means other than online gossip.

Monday, 16 May 2011


The neighbours have been complaining about the object.

"I can see it from my kitchen window" says Mrs X "and it's just a big dumb eyesore."

Mr Y, who hangs out regularly around the back of the object points out that "apart from occasional noises and the odd trick to amuse the television crews the object isn't making a positive contribution to the neighbourhood" and wonders how long it will take the local planning department to act. "It lowers the tone" he said.

The planners, meanwhile, are biding their time. A source reports that more research needs to be done on the impact of big objects in the environment and council leaders are contemplating fact-finding missions to Cairo, New York, Ayers Rock and Machu Picchu.

There have been reports that the object has occasionally affixed what looks like an electronic facsimile of a yellow planning notice to its side. This contains blurred illegible text with the large word APPROVED stamped diagonally across.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011


It has emerged that, in some parts of the world, science fiction television programmes featuring big objects have been banned. It is not immediately clear why this should be.

"Why" some governments argue "should there only be one big object, should not all societies have one?" Some say ... "The history of our great nation is big enough and has enough drama for ten programmes." Others say nothing, because that is their way.

Northern countries claim it is a southern conspiracy. Outer countries claim it is an inner conspiracy. Colder countries claim it is much more important to keep warm.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011


The interviewer sat with his legs crossed, leaning slightly forwards with a expression of intense curiosity on his face. "Minister" he said "given that scientists have been unable to discover just what this big thing in the park is, is there any reason to think it is dangerous?"

The minister smiled. "Well", he said, "I'm glad you asked me that question. One thing we are certain of is that this is a perfect example of why the previous government's policies over big objects just didn't work and it is now up to us to sort out this mess. Is it a right wing object? Is it a left-wing object? Is it a centrist object? We just don't know. I am taking the highly unusual step of convening a commission to study and report back on the object within the lifetime of this administration".

"I see", interjected the interviewer. "But is there any danger here ... any danger of you actually answering my question?"

"None at all" said the minister.